The Psychology of “Shoulds”: How They Sneak Into Everyday Choices
A classic anxiety therapist line is “stop ‘shoulding’ yourself.” The word “should” shows up so much in therapy that “should statements” are considered a cognitive distortion (thoughts that distort the way you see yourself, others, or the world). They’re these invisible rules running your life in the background, but often don’t reflect what you actually want or need to do.
The Invisible Rules That Run the Show
“Shoulds” are some of the most persuasive voices in the human mind - especially for high-achieving women who have spent years mastering the art of doing things “the right way.” If you think about where “shoulds” come up for you, you might notice they often sound responsible or balanced. But in reality, they often reflect a rulebook you didn’t consciously sign off on and actually might not actually agree with.
And if you’re a high-achieving woman, your “shoulds” are elite athletes. They’ve been trained to anticipate every potential disappointment before it happens.
Where “Shoulds” Begin
“Shoulds” help us survive - or at least that’s how they start out. For many women, childhood approval was gained through performing - being a “good girl,” whether that meant being helpful, quiet, or impressive. They learn certain lessons:
Be helpful → get love.
Be quiet → avoid conflict.
Be impressive → stay valued.
Over time, these lessons became rules for how to maintain love and safety. Now, as adults, many find themselves ‘shoulding’ themselves before decisions, without questioning whether these rules make sense for them anymore. A part of them is working hard to keep them safe by following the rulebook. This part remembers the threat of not following the rules.
When a “should” overrides a preference - that’s what we might call self-abandonment.
How “Shoulds” Disguise Themselves
So, if they aren’t aligned, why don’t we just stop “shoulding” ourselves? Unfortunately, since these are rules internalized as children, they can be hard to spot. Our unconscious desire for safety also often runs on autopilot, making the rules tricky to spot.
They might sound like:
“I’m just being realistic.”
“That’s what responsible people do.”
“I don’t want to let anyone down.”
They show up in ordinary routines: deciding whether to rest or finish one more email, saying yes to an event that feels draining, or forcing a smile. It takes practice to begin to notice them in the moment.
The Work of Noticing
Mindfulness is a powerful tool in interrupting autopilot - it helps us pause long enough to actually notice what our internal dialogue is doing, or how a decision actually feels in the body.
Once you’re able to notice the “shoulds” as they come up and recognize how it feels in your body when you don’t feel aligned, you can start asking yourself: in this moment, what do I want? With this practice, “I should go to the gym” becomes “I want to move my body today.” It increases the options for action and allows for flexibility and self-compassion.
You can also tune into your body to help clarify what you want. “Shoulds” often feel heavy or constricted, while “wants” may feel open or settled.
This is mindfulness in action - noticing without judgment and letting the nervous system tell the truth before the mind explains it away.
Why It’s So Hard to Let Go
Letting go of “shoulds” sounds freeing in theory, but it can feel deeply uncomfortable. The nervous system equates old rules with safety, so new boundaries or slower paces trigger anxiety, guilt, or overthinking. It often requires internal work to figure out what actually matters to you, and what you truly want. To be honest, this is existential work.
As you learn what you want and start to shift from “shoulds,” your nervous system might misread the change as danger. Rather than forcing change aggressively, we make small steps and stay with the discomfort long enough to show the body it’s survivable. What this looks like: saying no to one draining social event (not saying you’re not going to any others). The work isn’t “just stop people-pleasing” - it’s practicing small moments of trust with yourself until safety is internal, not outsourced.
Each time someone says, “I want this,” and follows through - even in a small way - they’re rebuilding their relationship with themselves and building self-trust, and they’re helping their system learn a new definition of safety.
Replacing “Shoulds” with Values
Sometimes you might know that a “should” isn’t aligned - but you don’t know what you do want. This is where values come in - by defining your personal values (no ‘shoulding’ here), you give yourself a cheat sheet to what might be aligned for you in any given moment.
Values act like a compass - they help give you direction. Rather than “what should I do?” you can ask how you can move toward a value. For example, if you value curiosity, maybe you go to a new bookstore you haven’t been to. If you value adventure, maybe it’s time for a hike. For connection, maybe a coffee date with a friend. And yes, you can (and likely do) have a lot of core values, and you get to choose which ones are most important to you.
Values allow action to flow from clarity rather than fear. They give you a direction even when your conditioning is pulling back to people-pleasing.
Moving Forward
Learning to notice “shoulds” is a practice. Sometimes you will notice them in the moment, and sometimes you’ll realize you agreed to something hours ago from conditioning rather than from a want. If you’re practicing this - be gentle with yourself. You’ve spent a lifetime honing the habit of performing - every time you do notice is a movement toward yourself.