Why High-Achieving Women Confuse Expectations for Identity
Many high-achieving women go their whole lives chasing the next goalpost - the thing they “should” do next or what their family or colleagues expect of them. They’re successful - and yet confused why it never feels like “enough.”
When you’re raised to meet expectations and learn that love and acceptance can be earned through achievement, other aspects of your identity often fall by the wayside while the “shoulds” and expectations become internalized. Let’s dig in to why this happens and what shifting out of this might look like.
Where the Confusion Begins
As children, we are vulnerable and dependent on our caregivers and other adults for safety and security. We learn to repeat behaviors that create a sense of safety. When approval is given for achievements rather than presence, the nervous system learns that love must be earned. Each gold star reinforces the belief that the “real self” is the one who performs well, pleases others, and never drops the ball. Getting good grades, being accepted into a school program, and doing things “right” socially then become more than highlights - the brain perceives them as necessary for survival. This leads high-achieving women to grow up relying on perfectionism and external validation over their own internal self-knowledge.
In this process, many women describe difficulty separating obligation from genuine desire. Decisions are filtered through expectations and “shoulds” - What would a “good daughter” do? What keeps me looking competent? What avoids conflict? In that cycle, it’s not just hard to know what one wants - it’s hard to even consider “wants” in the first place.
When Success Stops Feeling Like Fulfillment
Over time, those expectations stop coming from the outside and start coming from inside - even if someone else isn’t telling you to do more, you keep pushing forward. Achievement becomes part of your identity - you’re just a “productive” person. And worse, meeting other people’s needs becomes proof of worth.
Life becomes run by “shoulds,” like you’re following a rulebook that you didn’t actually ever consciously agree to. It’s like you’re both on autopilot and overwhelmed at the same time.
This is where high-achieving women start to feel like they’ve lost the plot to their own story - they have the calendars, career, and social life, but internally they feel like it’s all never “enough.”
The Breaking Point
High-achieving women often hit a quiet breaking point - not a crisis, but a hollow feeling. They’ve achieved everything the expectations promised, yet something feels strangely absent.
This isn’t ingratitude. It’s the moment the body and mind realize that your authentic identity has been outsourced to performance and masking for years. The constant striving, overthinking, and “pushing through” no longer feel rewarding - they feel like survival and have lost a sense of meaning.
The Unlearning Process
Realizing you’ve been living according to someone else’s playbook can feel disorienting. Your nervous system might react, both pushing you back to routine and achievement and demanding rest. You might feel increased fear of disappointing people and guilt for resting. You may even feel a certain emptiness when you slow down or sit with silence. This all makes sense - the body still associates approval with safety.
This is a process of unlearning, shifting, and returning to yourself. Rediscovering who you are and what you like and want begins with slowing down. When you’re rushing around, you can’t work to distinguish the messages of pressure from your own internal voice. Slowing down isn’t easy for high-achieving women, who often equate stillness or rest with laziness or being “unproductive.” But this is where you can begin to meet yourself again.
Start small with some questions for yourself. Ask yourself:
If no one praised me for this, would I still want to do it?
If I didn’t have to prove myself, what would I choose today?
What feels like relief, not obligation?
Notice what happens in your body when you answer these questions. You might notice that what’s truly yours feels calm, while what’s inherited feels tight.
The Role of Self-Trust
Your old rules will likely protest change - it feels dangerous to the parts of you that have supported you in receiving praise, support, and safety through achievement. This is where your relationship with yourself really matters.
You can’t think your way through this - you have to actually show the parts of you that are scared that you are worthy of trust, that you will keep yourself safe. But remember - this is a relationship, and trust isn’t 100% there at the beginning. You slowly strengthen trust like a muscle - each time you do something aligned with you rather than with external pressures, you teach your system that you can do this.
Takeaway
For high-achieving women, separating expectations from identity can feel terrifying and liberating. It’s not about getting rid of all of the things you have learned and the skills you have. It’s about learning what you actually want to do with your life, bringing those skills along with you.
This isn’t about erasing your drive or getting rid of structure - this is about allowing all of it to exist and belong to the real you, not the masked you. The version of you that overfunctioned wasn’t fake; she was protective. She did her job. But now, she’s tired - and that’s your invitation to take the wheel.
If this resonated, read next: The Subtle Signs of Millennial Burnout You Might Be Ignoring.